Jobs I Wouldn't Want To Have

http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/news/local/chibrknews-cops-man-used-drugs-to-assault-home-health-aide-20110223,0,6880363.story

Home health aide for Raymond Kvacik.

Reasons?

1. He lives in Elgin
2. He's one scary looking son of a B
3. HE WILL PUT SLEEPING PILLS IN YOUR JUICE AND THEN ASSAULT YOU

Here's the rub (no pun intended, but definitely intended) I would have ran out of that house as soon as I saw the person of whose care I was in charge. I know that home health aides kind of have to take what they can get, but at what point do you say "I think there's something wrong here?" Is it when you got 12 hours of sleep the night before, drank a quad trenta that morning and yet in the middle of your shift you can no longer keep your head up? Or is it when you wake up from a drug induced coma and Raymond Kracik, the crazy 74 year old Polski you're in charge of is on top of you?

NO THANK YOU. Would not do that job if you paid me $200 and an above ground pool.

Only In Indiana

There are many things I would do for an above ground pool, since the one we had when I was growing up got used all of maybe 50 times and they were the aweseomest times of my life, but killing someone is definitely NOT one of them.

http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/news/local/ct-met-murder-for-pool-0301-20110228,0,7047886.story

Let me say this loud and clear: With the population of my school excluded, people in Indiana are a rare breed of crazy. Not too many places remain where you will find a human being willing to kill another human being for a USED ABOVE GROUND POOL. Not even classy enough to pay for the permit to dig a hole and fill it with concrete. I am shocked and awed by Mr. William Alexander. But, you know what they say...Never trust a man with two first names.

So Glad I Picked "Air Congo"

Everyone thought I was screwed with "Air Congo" in our little bet, which is why I couldn't be happier that he just pulled at Dr. J style foul-line dunk. Let's GO.

Teach Me How To Dougie Like John Wall

John Wall - Dougie

This is, without a doubt, my favorite video on YouTube. John Wall absolutely crushes the Dougie, and I don't care how old it is, this video still gets me hyped up. Even if it's just to go play beruit at Bootleggers.

Blew My Mind

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Vw-veOw_YJg#at=48

Did This Really Happen?

Wait, lawmakers from Wisconsin literally ran away from a bill this week and all I heard about was the newscaster who may have had a stroke during the Grammy's? I just want to know if they were actually screaming "RETREAT!" as they fled to Illinois?

http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/news/local/chibrknews-fleeing-wis-legislators-nearly-upstage-rockford-event-20110217,0,6327136.story

How Did I Just Discover Big Moe?

I sincerely hope that I'm not so late to the Big Moe game that everyone else has already moved on because, holy shit. Everything about Big Moe is legendary. Found this fella after Googling a Barstool video that had been taken off YouTube for violating terms and conditions. Obsessed much? Anyway, I Google "Devlin Big Dude Dropped" and somehow Big Moe turns up. The link between the two makes me think I might be way behind on homeboy. Regardless, this guy is the greatest thing to hit my ears in a fortnight and I can't get over "Just A Dog". I read the lyrics and before I even heard it I knew this was gonna be a banger. Listen to Big Moe and thank me later.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqE17eVBjLo

Go See Cedar Rapids!

This movie is hilarious. Despite the fact that I love Ed Helms and would obsess over something he's in 11 times out of 10, this movie was legitimately hysterical. Great story, and John C. Riley absolutely runs the show. They give NOTHING away in the trailers, so you'll get your money's worth. I laughed for a good 90% of the movie. I can't take full credit for wanting to see it, though...that's a result of Dave's epically correct analysis of movie trailers.

I Needed To Know About This Months Ago

I needed to know about Chicago's Restaurant Week months ago. It's almost too late for me to wrap my mind around it. Get me out of this hell! I'm blowing the one real chance I have to find new and exciting places to go for cheap!

http://www.choosechicago.com/chicago_restaurant_week_2011/pages/default.aspx

The New American Marketing Strategy

Throw Bieber in anything that needs a ratings boost. You're guaranteed to at least reach your ratings expectations for females 10-14, 15-19, and sporadic 20-24 year old creeps like me. The NBA All-Star Celebrity game probably raked in an extra 1.4 million viewers just because he was there. As such, I'm not embarrassed that I was one of those 1.4 million.

I Want To Be As Deliriously Happy As These Arsenal Fans

Gloomy Chicago weather is (hopefully) outta here soon, and could not be happier. I think I want to keep that feeling year-round, so someone needs to invent a way to bottle how these Arsenal fans felt when Andrei Arshavin served this death blow to Barcelona on Wednesday. Arshavin single-handedly made probably a million people freak the fuck out with this goal vs. Barcelona and I was one of 'em, just a little late. Not to worry, though, Arsenal fans and I both felt the same on Wednesday, cause I'm pretty sure when I walked out of work and it was still light out and 50 degrees I was also screaming and hugging strangers.

http://www.footytube.com/video/cl-update-arsenal-2-1-barcelona-73394

This Just Excited the Crap Out of Me

I haven't been this excited about something in a while! I used to LOVE Project Runway but it's gone downhill since heading over to the Victim Network, and it's lost some of it's luster. So here's what's got me all riled up: the Oscars have given 9 up-and-coming designers the chance to create a gown to be worn on the Oscars stage during this year's show. There are short clips about the designers and their dresses, and the general public gets to vote on the dress to be worn. Aside from the fact that my favorite dress was designed by someone with a name that has more syllables than there are numbers on my paycheck, and who spends quite a bit of time in the tanning bed, it's awesome!

15 Minutes Later
Actually...Upon further examination (i.e. - watching all of the clips) I've realized that only probably 3 dresses are well designed.

Check it out here:
http://oscar.go.com/award-show/designer-challenge/vote

I Want Warm Chicago So Bad I Can Taste It

I desperately want warm weather back in Chicago if for no other reason than people in this city are like the angry walking dead right now. Chicago has been cold, gloomy, and generally unhappy for roughly 3 months. I read an article about "sidewalk rage" yesterday, and I fully agreed with everything it said. Turns out people are NASTY here when their walking space is confined by huge snow drifts. Here's how you could expect a sidewalk encounter to go on a snowy Chicago day: Two people, walking toward each other, going in opposite directions. The two reach a spot where a 10 foot tall snow drift has encroached on the sidewalk and leaves roughly 2 feet of walking space, which can obviously be used by only one person at a time. Almost instantly those two who were before moving zombie-like towards their destinations become enraged, feeling it a personal affront for the other to proceed first. Eventually one asshole will make the first move and each pedestrian returns to his/her state of general discontent, but that feeling of defeat remains for the rest of the day.

I've had just about enough of these encounters, myself, and I can't wait for the day when all the snow is gone. When it got above 50 yesterday, I caught a glimpse of warm, happy Chicago again and I've gotta say I cannot WAIT until temperatures are regularly above 60 degrees. People will be day drinking and happily sharing the sidewalk, and I can start wearing flip-flops and dresses again, which will make me infinitely happier. Since I have today off, I'll be having an afternoon drink and I will, without a doubt, cheers to warm Chicago.

This BuyWithMe is Legit

BuyWithMe Chicago is offering 50% off Second City Pizza Tours. This is actually a BuyWithMe I'm considering snagging. It's a combination of something I've wanted to do since moving to Chicago and a food group I happen to love: the architecture tour, and pizza. $24 is a little steep, but if they give me good pizza, I'll take it.

http://www.buywithme.com/chicago/deals/3174-second-city-pizza-tours

I'm Running a 1/2 Marathon

Back in October, when my friend Lauren was running her first marathon, we went to the Cedar Hotel for lunch the day before she ran just about as far as it takes to get to Indiana from the city. With a little liquid courage I verbally committed to running a 1/2 marathon with her in April, and when she told me in November that she had registered and I should, too, I realized that I actually was going to do it. After all, she spent $90.00 and I wasn't about to let that go to waste.

So here I am, 12 weeks out from race day, in the infant stages of my training. I ran a 4 mile race last Sunday, I've got a 5 mile run with my training group on Saturday, and shit is really going to hit the fan in 2 weeks, when I run 7 miles and will likely die as a result. Let it be said now, before things really heat up, that I'm actually very excited about this. I'm, hopefully, going to be running for Friendship Home in Norwell and I know that I'm only 24 once...Uh, 25 in 4 days...and I might not be physically able to do it any other time. So, here's hoping that this training doesn't kill me, and that I'm able to help Friendship Home as much as it helps members of the South Shore community! And here's also hoping that you won't mind reading about the trials and tribulations of this undertaking.

Ulta 20% Off Any Item

Ulta is offering 20% off any single item in store through tomorrow. Unfortunately it excludes fragrance, salon services, hair artistry brands, Bare Escentuals, prestige skincare, Dermalogica, Clarisonic, Thermaclear, Philosophy, and Benefit Brow Bars.

They've got so much stuff at Ulta that I probably wouldn't even go near those things anyway, but I think I'm definitely gonna go pick up a new Caboodle with that 20% sumbitch.

Here's your link:
http://search.ulta.com/nav/marketing/couponwk0368007s/0

Do These Look Like the Faces of 3 Rednecks Arrested for Vandalizing Cars at the Chicago Auto Show?

"Three Orland Park men using screwdrivers and razor knives tore up the interiors of seven new Toyotas at the Chicago Auto Show, causing about $30,000 in damage, officials said.

Bryan Kjellman, 21, of the 10800 block of Dearpoint Drive, Richard Data, 20, of the 15500 block of Helen Lane, and Edmund Grzeszkiewicz, 28, of the 15400 block of Cherrywood Circle, all in Orland Park, were charged with felony criminal damage to property, and were expected to appear in Cook County Central Bond Court on Friday.

The vandalism included dashboards smashed and ripped, seats sliced open, scratched windshields, speaker guards pried open and broken turn indicators, according to a police report. The vandalism was caught on video by security cameras, police said." - Pat Curry, Chicago Tribune

If I'm being honest, yes, these absolutely do look like the faces of criminals committing crimes exactly as they are described in this article. I believe if anyone has ever questioned whether or not inbreeding occurs in Illinois, your question has been answered. Why are all of their facial features smushed into about 5 square inches on the surface of their face? I mean, it's gotta be because they're all cousin-brothers. Also, the kid in the middle looks precisely like the real-life incarnation of Butthead.

Living In The Gold Coast, Chicago

Moving to the city from the 'burbs was probably one of the best ideas Dave had that I went along with in a while. Somehow I was able to procure a pretty sweet apartment in a part of town I very obviously don't belong in, and it's worked out pretty well in my favor. An example of why I don't belong here? Apparently Vince Vaughn and Derrick Rose live in the building across the street, and are regulars at a restaurant around the block. Jay Cutler is usually there, too, but that's not saying much since he seems to gravitate toward any dwelling with a wet bar that's serving drinks the night before Bears games.

However, I've learned that even though I live in an upscale neighborhood, no one is ever be able to escape the far-reaching grasp of complete and utter oddities in the form of human beings. This is why one of the staples of this blog is going to be the absolute characters that live in and around the Gold Coast. I'll try to take pictures of these people, but there's no guarantees, since I don't want to get shanked and these people, without question, have mental issues.

I'll start out with a story, since I haven't seen this guy since and probably won't ever again, but our encounter was truly of epic proportions...

Coming home from dinner one night this summer Dave and I were just about inside our building when a man started literally yelling at us from the sidewalk. We turned around and he shoved in our faces his portfolio of poetry. It's accompanied by his artwork. And it's on yellow copy paper. We read the poetry and comment on it's artistic value, and then try to hand the packet back to the man. NO. DICE. He insists that we pay him for the poems and just so we're clear that he won't take no for an answer, he lifts his shirt to show us the absolutely horrifying scar he got from shrapnel in 'nam which has been exacerbated by weight gain over the years. Welp, needless to say $20.00 later (don't even get me started) we're the proud owners of the musings of Marcus L. Greene.

UPDATE: As I retrieved the packet from the refrigerator where it hangs proudly to take a picture of it and share it online, Dave just exclaimed that he saw Marcus the other day, and that he asked Dave if he liked poetry. Sorry, homeboy, unless you've got another opus to hock, we're all set.

Why Am I Writing a Blog?

On my 49 mile commute home this evening I decided that instead of letting the ridiculous shit that I think about, clowns I see on the streets of Chicago, things that happen at work that I can't keep to myself, or stupid stuff I find on the Internet just die in my head, I'll share it with others. It's cool if you don't give a shit. In fact, I don't really care. I just think that if I keep it all inside, someday I'll explode and probably hurt someone.

I also think that it seems pretty easy to write a blog. I mean, I've got what seems like a constant inpouring of material coming my way, and I'm not even trying to write anything. Mostly it's my students, who will never be named or pictured here, saying and doing outrageous things that make me laugh. But sometimes I have the good fortune of stumbling upon a funny picture, or hilarious video, or a good song that I want to share. So instead of putting it in a Facebook status like I usually do, I'll henceforth put it here.

Anyhow, hopefully if you live in Chicago you'll find something you can relate to, or if you're one of my friends from home you'll understand why I write about what I do. Either way, this blog is probably going to be the most ramshackle pieces to hit the Internet in a while.